Now before you start thinking, "Oh, and a woman can't drive like an idiot and cut you off in traffic, just because they're a woman?" let me assure you I'm all for equal rights. Women should be in the business place, making corporate decisions, going to business meetings, wearing stodgy business suits, etc. But while women are running around adopting some of the better male traits, they should draw the line at some of the less desirable traits, such as drinking an entire quart of Blatz and holding a belching contest ("Oh yeah, you think that's loud? Listen to this...").

I remember when beer was the domain of the male gender (1973). Women usually opted for drinks that tasted good, like wine spritzers and margaritas. Why drink beer at all? It really doesn't taste that good. Anything bad for you that you have to learn to like scares me. Except coffee. I used to hate coffee, but I needed the caffeine. Plus it was free. Plus it was there. Plus MY GOD IT'S THE PEER PRESSURE, I'M WEAK! I GAVE IN! I CAN'T STAND IT! I HATE MYSEL -SMACK! Thanks, I needed that. Coffee also tastes good with doughnuts. Which are really, really fattening. And which diabetics shouldn't even consider eating because the mere thought of them makes our sugar go up, but I'M WEAK AND I LIKE THEM AND I HATE MYSE - SMACK! Sorry. It won't happen again, I promise.

I personally think that beer drinking (Remember? We were talking about beer. Or possibly men's bad habits.) is a governmentally subsidized trend. When this author was 19, the drinking law in Ohio allowed 19 year olds to drink 3.2 beer and cheap wine coolers. So we 19 year olds would head across the border in droves to drink. If we couldn't find a drove, we took our cars. (Bugs Bunny, 1954) The government forced us to drink beer. They were clever about it. The used that basic principle that if something's not allowed, people will want to do it, if something is just barely allowed, everyone will have to do it and if something is encouraged no one will ever do it. The Ohio government just barely allowed 19 year olds to drink. Which makes me suspicious.

But we need to return to the regularly scheduled sermon. Beer moves you to a new plateau. A plateau where you can swagger around and act manly. The amount of swaggering increases as the amount of beer you drink increases. I've seen some guys swagger so much that they trip over things (such as VW Bugs). Beer also allows you to perform manly acts such as having gas, competition urinating and growing a beer gut. Now many women encroaching on this traditional "manly" territory by growing beer guts. I never thought this was a real attractive look for men, but on women it's dangerous ("Excuse me miss, how many months pregnant are you?" SMACK).

And then there's the clothing issue. Women wear men's clothing now. I guess they've been doing this for a while. I think it started in the sixties when the "flower children" were "cool" and gender was an "irrelevant establishment idea". Note that these people now work in the business world and the government earning money for their retirement and doing ESTABLISHMENT sort of things. But in the sixties, the women dressed like men and the men, not wanting to feel left out, wore their hair like the women. But the men usually did not feel inclined to dress in women's clothing. At least not in public, for God's sake. So this trend was definitely one sided.

Women are once again moving towards fashions that were once traditionally male. There are issues about the cut of this clothing. Women's clothing has to, by necessity, be cut differently. Largely because women are shorter than men, on average. This author personally bought a sweater with a huge Bugs Bunny logo on it that turned out to be a WOMAN'S SWEATER! The body of the sweater is ok, but the sleeves are too short which is part of this cut of the clothing problem. Note that I have no inclination to wear a brassiere or anything. At least not in public. But my point is that I unwittingly bought this female article of clothing because you can't tell anymore. Especially in stores like The Gap. Or Merry-Go-Round. Or Toys-backwards R-Us. I think they should put the women's clothing on one side of these stores and the men's clothing on the other side and draw a nice big red line down the middle. And put a sign on the men's side. There's no need for a sign on the women's side because, as you know if you've been paying attention, they're going to shop on both sides anyhow.

"So what do you suggest we do about this female adopting male bad habits problem?" might be your question to help me get back on track. Glad you asked. I suggest that men form a union to protect the male bad habit turf. The union could have a lobby which would help congress make decisions on laws through the use of large monetary donations. They could hold meetings where they vote on who really can belch the loudest after drinking a quart of Schlitz Malt Liquor. (What the hell is malt liquor anyhow? Probably what beer drinkers have to learn to like once they've mastered beer.) They could protect the cherished and time honored male traditions that women have not yet adopted, such as chewing tobacco. They could hold seminars on offensive driving techniques. They could wear brassieres. They could have a national convention where everyone in the union comes together and discusses issues of vital national interest to the union. ("See Ned? He can belch so loud that it registers on the Richter Scale in Tulsa.")

Best of all, once the union got going and became a national organization of great importance, the rest of us could plant a thermonuclear device at their next convention site. It would be sort of like that quote from Jurassic Park. "God creates dinosaurs. God kills dinosaurs. God creates man. Man kills God. Man creates dinosaurs. Dinosaurs smash scissors. Scissors cut paper. Paper covers dinosaurs." "Dinosaurs eat man. Woman inherits the earth." Not that I'm implying that women like the one who cut me off Wednesday morning are just like Velociraptors or anything. They're shorter, on average.