1a. Realize that anytime an email contains the words "please forward message this to...", it is actually a cryptic warning not to forward this email. Ever. And if you actually believe that forwarding an email to 10 people you know can bring you things (good luck, love, spiffy hair), you're awful gullible and you should really spend more time participating in personal hobbies, like watching TV, and less time annoying the rest of us on the internet. Who knows? While watching TV, you may see some products that can bring you things (good luck, love, spiffy hair). Probably not, though.

1b. Although some people may be flattered that you have thought of them during this, the 2327th consecutive weekly National Friendship Week, most probably would think it were nicer if you sent them a personal note rather than forwarding something you received that has clearly been forwarded 16 different times. Also, as touching as a picture of an angel created using only the ASCII characters is, a lot of people find it hard to believe that this jumbled mess of letters and numbers is watching over them. (And we kind of wonder about the people who don't find that hard to believe.)

1c. You know that kid that's missing? She was found the DAY AFTER the original email was sent. And you remember Gas Out Day? That whole concept is fundamentally flawed and will not affect gas prices in any way at all (no matter how convincing the email is). Some other news flashes: No one can count the number of times an email has been forwarded. The government cannot yet tax email and isn't trying to. Nieman Marcus did NOT charge some woman $250 for a cookie recipe. No one's lost their kidneys and wound up in a bathtub of ice with a cell phone beside it. People aren't putting AIDs infected needles in telephone coin returns. Etc. When you get an email like that and you're tempted to unleash it every person on your "friends" list, take the time to be considerate and check to see if it's here first: http://snopes.com/inboxer/ . This site debunks false emails like those mentioned above. If you don't want to take the time to check it out first, please don't spend the time forwarding it and perpetuating SPAM mail. The only effect that will have will be to make your "friends" list a little smaller.

2. If you have ANY concerns about sending a joke to someone or if you feel the need to warn people that something is "not meant to be offensive", only send that email to people who clearly have the same sensibilities as you. If you never have any qualms about emailing dirty jokes to anyone, consider attending your local church of choice more often. Either that or consider finding some new friends.

3. DON'T TYPE IN ALL CAPS! YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE SCREAMING AT THE RECIPIENT!!! IT'S REALLY ANNOYING AND IT HURTS OUR EYES!!! SO DOES THE USE OF EXTRA PUNCTUATION!!! ONE EXCLAMATION POINT REALLY DOES GET THE IDEA ACROSS THAT YOU'RE EITHER EXCITED OR YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM REALLY BAD!!! THANKS!!!!!!!!!

4. Take the time to proofread your work. If necessary, spend the extra time typing it in a Word Processor and spell checking it before sending. Large numbers of misspelled words and improperly punctuated sentences make you sound like you didn't enroll in the remedial English class because you thought it was a medical terminology session.

5. Mass emailing things to everyone you know more than once or twice a week is a sure way to get put on many people's SPAM Block List.

6. As interesting as you think your life is and as tempted as you are to hit that "Reply to All" button on your email console, most of us really don't want to hear that you're not going to be able to attend the (meeting, function, class, toilet training or whatever). Please just tell the person who asked you to attend. The rest of us think it's mighty inconsiderate of you to imply that you're too busy or important to go to something that we've all been invited to.

7. If you have an attachment to send, please reconsider if it's bigger than 40 or 50 K. We don't all have T1 lines. If it's something really stupid like an animated cartoon, the primary subject of which is farting, consider what the people to whom you're sending this message will think of you after waiting 20 minutes to download and open it.

8. Did you know that when replying to a message, many email programs add carrots (‘>’) to all the information in the original email and that they also add data to the top of the message about the last group of recipients? And when YOU forward the message, YOU often add MORE carrots and previous recipient info? It makes the message text just about impossible to find and, once it’s found, annoyingly difficult to read! If something’s really worth forwarding, spend a little time cleaning it up so the rest of us can enjoy it. If it’s not worth your time to clean it up, it’s probably not worth our time to read it.

9. Hey small, internet-based businesses! Every time you send unsolicited SPAM messages about your services, most people feel like you’re assuming they’re idiots and many become extremely annoyed with you and your company! Even the dumbest successful entrepreneur knows that spreading bad feelings among the majority of your potential market is not a real good way to make a lot of money in the long run! (Try running a business based on integrity with a product that people want instead. At least try more honorable methods of advertising.)