Mark's Do It Yourself
Pyrate Report
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Mark's Do It Yourself |
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Pyrate Report |
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Hey kids! Need to write a pirate report? Rather than posting a question like “What can you tell me about pirates?” or “Who was a good pirate and can you write 1000 words about him/her for me?” or “How much will it cost to have one of you pirate freaks write my report for me?”, I have a better solution! Introducing the Do-It-Yourself 1000+ Word Pirate Report! All you have to do is pick one of the four phrases in parenthesis (which are separated by a “;”) in the report below to generate a report on piracy suitable for framing or wrapping fish. There is an infinite (more than 250) number of combinations, so you can use it again and again! Isn’t that lovely? Hmm? (IMPORTANT NOTE: The author makes no claims to the veracity of this material, especially since he made most of it up. If you actually submit this material to a teacher for a grade, the author will find that immensely amusing, so be sure to post that fact along with the failing grade you get. The author would like to give a tip of the fedora to Daniel Defoe (who may have written great pirate accounts), Philip Gosse (who actually DID write a great dictionary), Friz Freleng (who could time a jig like no one else), and to several posters on the pirateinfo.com forum, whose posts I mined, including daniel (who has clearly read more about piracy than I’ve read about), Jack_Lindley (who has clearly thought more piracy than I’ve read about), Tony Malesic (who has clearly written more about piracy than I’ve read about) and Foxe (who has clearly lived more piracy than I’ve read about). Thanks also to the inspiration of the usual gang of idiots at Mad Magazine who started writing these things in 1963. © MarkCK, 2004) On (September 17th, 1703; his own volition; the day before Valentine’s; the table at the local Hooter’s) he (enacted his plan; prepared for what would follow; spelled ‘cognoscente’ correctly; got his mojo working) by (marooning the unsupportive members of the crew; challenging the First Mate to a duel; anchoring the ship’s slip; playing an off-tune tuba). He then (treated the captain in a most inhumane fashion; celebrated the day with some punch; vowed to kill all rabbits; started Microsoft) by (giving the captain 40 lashes minus one; giving the captain 40 lashes plus one, just to be different; using half his wits; the hair of his chinny chin chin). Then he threw the captain (over the side; onto a deserted island; a big party before he left; up in the air and yelled “Heads or tails?”) Pirate Code With only mutineers left on board he (called them on deck; revealed to them his secret love of salted pork; offered to show them how to Macarena; asked them if his waistcoat made him look fat) after which they voted (on the articles; on who had best misused the old captain; to wear pink in battle; Nixon out of office). The ship’s articles were as follows: II. (If any man runs away, or keeps any secret from the company, he will be marooned.; Everyone will take their turn boarding captured ships because they have had a chance to obtain free clothes and they owe the company that much. <I bet some of you think this one’s a joke>; Any man who falls in front is trampled.; When a player has four houses on each property of a complete color-group, he may buy a hotel from the Bank and erect it on any property of that color-group.) III. (Anyone who strikes another, shall be punished by Mose’s Law [40 stripes minus one] on the bare back.; Anyone found seducing a woman and bringing her on board in disguise will suffer death.; Anyone found seducing a manatee and claiming he thought it to be a mermaid shall be forced to sleep by himself.; Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three.) IV. (The man that smokes tobacco in the hold, without a cap on his pipe or who carries a openly lit candle shall be punished by Mose’s Law.; Any man caught deserting the ship or his quarters in battle will be punished with death or marooning.; Anyone who strikes a match off another’s unshaven face shall be considered pretty cool.; Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three.) V. (Every man shall keep his weapon clean and ready for battle or he shall lose his share of the treasure and may be punished in any way the captain and crew think fit.; Fights will be settled on shore with sword and pistol, not on board.; Anyone who invokes the right of parley will be looked upon oddly.; Five is right out.) VI. (Anyone losing a limb
during battle will receive 800 pieces of 8; Anyone losing an eye in battle
will receive 100 pieces of 8 along with a really keen eye patch.; Anyone
losing their lunch in battle will receive loud jeers from the company.;
Six, six, pick up sticks.) Everyone then signed these articles and (burned them.; threw them over the side.; drank more punch.; forgot to read the fine print.) The crew then voted to (make the head-mutineer captain; drink even MORE punch; take a 5-minute smoke break; table the motion until next meeting) whereby our “hero” became (Captain Quelch; Captain Fly; very intoxicated; the most likely to be hunted like a dog). A flag was designed by the crew which showed (a skeletal devil striking a bleeding heart.; a funny looking bald man holding a spear piercing a heart in one hand and an hourglass in the other.; a boy with a lightning-shaped scar on his forehead.; that somebody should have at least minored in Art before deciding to design a flag.) Many pirates created such a flag which has come to be known as (the Jolly Roger; the Old Roger; the Rogering Roger; Roger Moore) a term derived from the French phrase “jolie rouge” which means (pretty red; happy Roger; upbeat makeup; mayonnaise). This is because (a red flag symbolized piracy; it was tradition; people were generally insane at that time; they’re French and the French did some pretty odd things). And there was much rejoicing. Going A-Pirating On the way, the first ship they met with was a
(sloop; pink; green; aircraft carrier) and with a cry of (“No quarter
given!”; “Avast there, me hearty maties!”; “Shiver me timbers!”;
“Tie me kangaroo down, mate!”) they plundered and (released; stole the
rigging from; blundered; made faces at) them. From this ship, they took,
(three hogsheads of beef, 20 chests of sugar and 15 rolls of tobacco;
several spars, yards of sailcloth and rigging; peace, justice and the
American way; three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a
pear tree). Encouraged by (their success; the direction of the wind; these
glad tidings; their Zig Ziglar tapes) they continued to search for (a new
prize; more punch; the lost city of Upon reaching their
destination, they attempted to (negotiate with; bribe; convince; twiddle)
the Governor, (Thomas Warner; Sydney Godolphin; Weatherby Swann; Pitt the
even Younger) played by (Woodes Rogers, Jonathan Pryce, Vincent Price,
Toshiro Mifune) for the sale of their plunder. The Governor, suspecting
they were (pirates; peculiar; pixies; pronouns), (refused to deal with
them; ignored them completely; was out golfing when they asked for him;
asked them to teach him some sea shanties). This so enraged the pirate
captain that he (raided the town; set fire to the ships in the port;
started talking like Donald Duck; turned the other cheek). The (crew;
captain; captain’s parrot; blind, three legged dog named ‘Lucky’)
then decided to head for ( Their Demise Meanwhile, the pirates had (careened their ship in some small bay; awoken with hangovers; swabbed the deck ‘till you could eat off of it; dinner with the Caribe Indians) which (put them out of commission for a fortnight; made them unready for battle; give a certain luster to the proceedings; heralded the first Thanksgiving). When the pirate hunters showed up, the pirates were caught (by surprise; unawares; with their pants down; dancing the careening jig) so the man-of-war took them (without a fight; with a fight, but not a very interesting one; out on the town; some nice tea cozies) and brought them back to (St. Christopher; be tried for their crimes; Ole Virginny; the future). Most of the pirates were sentenced to (hang by the neck until dead; life in prison without parole; be stoned; get stoned). Records (indicate that only three men were acquitted; show long, detailed, boring lists of people you didn’t know and don’t care about; are hazy on this point; went out of style with the advent of CDs). The men to be hung were given an opportunity to (repent for their sins; dance their final jig; drink a bowl of punch; re-enact “the Wiz” with Nipsey Russell as the Tin Man). Some took this opportunity and made impassioned speeches about not (falling into the life they had fallen into; taking the easy road to riches; mixing your whites and colors in the wash; talking with your mouth full); others (made rude comments and were defiant; said things like “They were poor Rogues and fo hang’d, while others, no lefs Guilty in another Way, efcaped” which suggests that they may have gone mad in captivity; demanded that they have a better lawyer assigned to them; said “We’d have gotten away with it, if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids”). A Pirate’s Life for You Many people think a pirate’s life was (romantic;
interesting; sort of grimy; all wine, women and song) when, in fact,
(nothing could be farther from the truth; it really was; these people
smoke too much ganja; Cuba is only 90 miles from the continental United
States). With that in mind, I would like (to examine the true lifestyle of
pirates; to discuss some of the legends associated with pirates; one
million dollars in small unmarked bills or I will continue writing; …I
would like? I would like a trip to Ship-Board Life Let’s begin by examining (ship-board life; our navels) (to increase your understanding of this period; so that we can put some rumors to rest; because I have several hundred words to go to finish this report; because it’s tradition and no one durst question tradition). Despite what you see in the movies, a pirate’s life (was often quite dull; was very rigorous; didn’t involve Errol Flynn; involved a lot of water). Pirates actually spent a lot of time (scouting for ships to prey upon; doing maintenance on their ship; washing their winter woolies; dancing various jigs and drinking punch). The ships they sailed on were dependant upon (the winds; the waters; Evinrude; bean burritos) to propel them which weren’t always reliable. If (the winds; the tides; sea turtles; OPEC) weren’t cooperative, a ship could become (becalmed; dodgy; the object of desire; you). To make matters worse, when a ship wasn’t moving (they couldn’t hunt for prey ships; the supplies would rapidly diminish; everyone with “sea legs” got dizzy and fell over; the crew went a little crazy and put on taffeta and silk). Many’s the pirate captain who (almost wound up with a mutinous crew over “bad luck”; nearly died of thirst because they ran out of water; ate his parrot because he was starving; wondered just what the &*$# “Shiver me timbers” meant). The Crew While (no pirate crew was identical; nobody knows for sure; nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen; no one cares at this point) there were a couple officers common to many ships. These included (the boatswain, gunner, quartermaster and carpenter; 1st Lieutenant, Leftenant, Midshipman and Doctor; 8th Lieutenant, Rightenant, backshipman and Indian chief; Bob and Ted and Carol and Alice). A boatswain’s job was (to oversee the maintenance of the ship; to make sure work was being done efficiently; like a coxswain’s job, only different; shivering the timbers). The gunner was responsible for (overseeing the aiming of the guns; the safety of the men who were loading and firing the guns; the gunnery, which is not at all like a nunnery; making sure the punch was fresh). The carpenter saw (to the reparation of the ship, to the plugging of leaks; many things he never mentioned in polite company; what he could see at sea). Of course, no pirate crew would be complete without (a quartermaster; Errol Flynn; a guy with a peg leg; a set of Ginsu knives); the quartermaster was expected to (make sure the interests of the crew were kept in mind; ration supplies and delegate work; keep one fourth of the mast; lead the jigs). Many of these marauders maintained a (menacing mien; mild manner; mildewed missionary; magic mirror). It was good for (business; their image; nothing; the commonwealth) because it (caused many ships to surrender without a fight; helped keep the rest of the crew in line; got them more face time in the local media; looked good on their resumes). One great proponent of a fierce visage was (Blackbeard; Bluebeard; Greybeard; not found in the website I swiped this report from). Blackbeard put (lit fuses; live vermin; pink bows; Beard Magic®) in his beard to (make him look more scary, make others think he was a demon; accessorize; idle away the hours). Most pirates were (generally quite filthy; disease ridden; always looking for a bit of sport; never there when you needed them) which added to their (menace; fierce appearance; troubles; sum total). Clothing was obtained from (the people on board the ships they pillaged; anywhere they could find them; Pirates Be Us; the Salvation Army); in fact clothing was sometimes (used as an incentive to get the crew to board ships; auctioned; washed, but not often; superfluous for the Piratical Toga Parties). Food The fare aboard a pirate ship (was sometimes a mean menu indeed; consisted of whatever they could steal or trade for; wasn’t fair; was as high as £2, one way). It was probably as varied as (the number of different nationalities of pirates; the pirates were able to make it; the menu at a Holiday Inn; it was interesting). Among the things pirates ate were (salted pork; salted beef; a salted battery; their young) and (sea turtles; fish; mermaids; head cheese). A real treat for a pirate was salmagundi which was (a stew that might contain many things; made from whatever was handy on board; disgusting to behold; a really stupid poem). Although some scholars suggest they didn’t eat (fish; dragon; many fool things; carbs) because (of superstition; the sea hag might get them; they were too busy “cutting bait”; of the mercury content). It is likely that some pirates fished (while the boat was underway; when becalmed; for mermaids; for change in their pockets). Of course, the most important part of their menu was (rum; grog; punch; the fine print at the bottom). Spirits tended to make them (braver in battle; more fierce; spirited; frightened of dark corners). So the captain saw to it that (there was plenty of alcohol; punch was available; Judy was available (last time I’ll use that stupid joke, I promise); the ship had nice big windows to keep the corners bright and cheerful). Health A pirate’s life wasn’t (a very
healthy one; conducive to good hygiene; bare
breasts and ankles all the way; for you). Pirates ran a great risk of
contracting illnesses such as (fluxes,
aploxies and cholera; dysentery, fever and intestinal infection; the
mange; the trots and lead poisoning; cuts, bruises and hangings). A common
condition among the sea-going folk was (scurvy,
home sickness; skin suffocation; lust) which could be counteracted by
(eating vitamin C-rich foods; going home; leaving a bare patch just above
the spine;…you know). Part of the problem was (that there were so many
men on board; they were in the tropics where disease was rampant; there
weren’t enough Rite Aids to go around; they ate too much candy). In conclusion, I conclude
that piracy (was a difficult life; wasn’t all it was cracked up to be;
makes good fodder for romance novels; was more exciting than researching
and writing this report). It has (always existed; a long history; the
makings of a good movie; never existed, it’s all an illusion) and will
(continue to exist as long as it’s viable; completely disappear once you
awaken from this nightmare; probably be the subject of many movies now
that “Pirates of the Caribbean” made so much money; not be any concern
of mine as soon as I finish this paragraph). A final question that may
have arisen in your mind by now is, “(Did people turn pirate primarily
to make money?”; Is piracy still a viable way of life?”; Do pirates
put jam on their toast or don’t they put jam on their toast. And, if
not, why not?”; Does the author have some weird fascination with punch,
mermaids, jigs and turtles? Or what?”) The answer to which is (yes; no;
irrelevant at this point because no one could have possibly read this far;
I honestly don’t know, nor do I care). Thank you. You’ve been a
wonderful audience. |