But we're not talking accoutrements here, we're talking Nielsen! (Go back and look if you don't believe me.) Based on these new trends in bad taste on television, I have been wondering about the validity of the Nielsen ratings. Nielsen is the agency that tells us what we're watching. Apparently we forget sometimes (I guess we're sort of stupid that way). I understand that the Nielsen ratings people attach a box to the televisions in certain families' houses and determine what 40,000 other people watch based upon the viewing habits of each of these few chosen families. Now before this becomes a cohesive, well planned discussion, let me ask you: How do they select these people? I mean, you're sitting at home minding your knitting and you get a call. "Hi! This is Bob down at Nielsen Control. Would you mind if we came down and attached a box to your TV so we can tell GM that a broad cross section of the nation likes to watch reruns of 'Three's Company'?" My answer would be no, mainly because I'm not sure I would want anyone to think I liked to watch 'Three's Company'. That show is base, crude and degrading to women. Plus it's usually on at the same time as 'The Benny Hill Show'. (Check your local listings.)

If the Nielsen people really are sampling a broad cross-section of the nation's television habits, why don't I know any one with a Nielsen box? The Nielsen people aren't stupid. They probably research their subjects beforehand. They want to get the best profile for the networks because it's in the network's best interest to find households that watch LOTS of TV. The better the household ratings are for a show, the bigger the advertising revenues. Even if the household under scrutiny contains no actual people and is full of kumquats instead. In fact they (the networks) (and possibly the kumquats) probably slide an envelope under the table to the Nielsen people. The Nielsen boss (Juan) probably says "Hey Bob, go find me an average TV watcher. If you know what I mean." So Bob has to find a way to distinguish between a good Nielson family and people with an actual life. He probably hands out questionnaires, like this one:

1. Do you usually respond to people monosyllabically? (If your answer to this question is "Huh?" Put yes and go on).
___Yes
___No

2. Do you know the jingles to more than 25 commercials?
___Si
___Sick

3. Is singing along with them your idea of fun?
___But, of course!
___Nah

4. Even on a Friday night?!
___You gotta' problem with that?
___Who wants to know

5. Do you think that Al Bundy is a real person? How about Bart Simpson? Former President Reagan?
___I have met Bart
___I have met Al
___I had my picture taken with a cardboard cutout of Former President Reagan in Washington once...

6. Is this questionnaire the most reading you've done since Spot stole Sally's ice cream cone? ("Oh!", said Sally. "Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh Spot!" Note: This is actual dialog from a book entitled Fun With Dick and Jane, which the author still inexplicably has on his book shelf. Or it may be the script to a movie with a star named Sally Seduction in it, also called Fun with Dick and Jane, about which this author knows nothing.)
___I only read the first line then checked here
___I know where to rent Fun with Dick and Jane

And how do we know who is doing the watching anyway? Suppose Mr. Smith decides to take his wife (Buela) out to dinner? While he's gone their dog (Fido) chases their cat (Mr. Pudge) under the table and accidentally knocks the television remote off the table, causing the television (That Damned Box) to turn on to Fox (God Forbid!). Not to say that Fido won't watch it; you never know. But is Fido representative of the average American viewer? Possibly, but that's not the point. In fact, I think I left the point in my other coat. The one I wear when I watch 'Baywatch'.